I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
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I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
Hotels are back
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair