Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
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LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.