I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
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People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING