Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
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“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?