what do you want!!!!!!!!
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We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet