Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
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[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
humans only use 10% of their treadmills