So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
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cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
incredible book dedication
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?