I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
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[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
no their not
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.