Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
You Might Also Like
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
They must have gotten it to go.
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda