I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
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Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.