Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
You Might Also Like
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
Holy crap this is wonderful
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.