I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
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Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.