The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
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Wife: our daughter canât find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didnât you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: âi canât wait to rip these off with my teethâ n i replied with: âseriously u need to stop, ur my brotherâ
i won
7: Iâm not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I donât want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
Me to client: Is there anywhere else youâre purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didnât mean it like that!
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
Youâre so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
âDiarrheaâ isnât my official safe word but I guarantee youâll stop whatever youâre doing if I scream it during sex.
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
âHow do you compete in fencing if you donât have a sword?â
âI just dodge the other guyâs attacks.â
âYouâre missing the point.â
âThatâs the idea!â
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
âHe’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.â British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
One of my husbandâs friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. đđ