if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
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[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I鈥檒l probably only get to do it the once.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
My wife鈥檚 been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it鈥檚 safer for me to sleep on the couch.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
Me: I don鈥檛 want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 馃ぃ
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
Your baby isn鈥檛 48 months ffs…he鈥檚 4 years old.
I don鈥檛 go around saying I鈥檓 one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am