Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
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someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.