If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
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George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”