”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
You Might Also Like
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
Leaving the Barbers like
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.