I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
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Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
44.65
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44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
Don’t talk down to me
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.