Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
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A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.