The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
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Hmmmmm
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.