*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
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Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
i hate you platonically
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
No selfies while hijacking a train.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.