I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
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My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
My apartment is a mess, I should move
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
December birthdays be like…
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much