WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
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If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*