My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
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Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
Think I pulled my liver
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host