If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
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Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
wut hotdog?
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.