I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
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11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
sleeping beauty
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.