A friend sent me this.
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Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
Wake me when AI does housework
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
Me :
All Day At Night