me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
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The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
water it, i dare you
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.