Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
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I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.