When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
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(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe