Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
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My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
Smallpox sounds so adorable
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
2 years later
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.