The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
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[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.