Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
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It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
[calling my fav Jamaican takeout joint to find out which day chef, the Jerk King, is not there]
me: when is the Jerk King off?
chef: what
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.