Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
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Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
May have had one breakfast too many