i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
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I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
Raisins are grape jerky.
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
Do not go gentle into that good night,
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
But wait…
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror