We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
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I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]