Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
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Tell me you get it…🤣
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”