Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
You Might Also Like
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
“I’m helping” 😅
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes