[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
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Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun