How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
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Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role