Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
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Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”