The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
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Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.