Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
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My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*