Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
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me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.