People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
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[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
I falcon love using swear birds
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks