Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
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My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
Ha
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
Happy Taco Tuesday
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.