American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
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I missed you with all my darts
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.