what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
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I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
What
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked