OH. COME. ON.
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Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
The cicada invasion is like insect spring break: a bunch of horny teenagers, everyone knows when they’re arriving, no one wants them in that quantity, and they’re going to leave a mess