i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
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Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light